Orphan
by ncisabbylover
Summary: "Hello Miss Blye. My name is Molly Porter. I'm a nurse at Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but your mother, Julia Feldman, was brought in earlier today. She was involved in a car accident. Is it correct that you are her next of kin?"
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I try to avoid author's notes at the beginning of chapters but I did want to put in a warning.**

 **TW: This fic will deal with death (no main characters) and some of the choices a person might have to make when someone they love is sick and/or dying.**

* * *

"The beaches are exquisite, they have great coffee, and everyone is laid back and easy going." Deeks listed off on his fingers as they returned to the Mission from their lunch break. "And have you ever seen a koala? They're adorable."

"And vicious, and probably carry some kind of disease. Everything in Australia is trying to kill you. You do know that Australia is home to all ten of the world's most venomous snakes, right?" Kensi commented.

"Is Miss I-Love-The-Outdoors afraid of a few snakes and spiders?" Deeks goaded.

"Afraid? No. But I'm also not stupid." Kensi retorted, moving to sit behind her desk as Deeks did the same across from her.

"But think of the _surfing_ Kens."

"Crocodiles, sharks, box jellyfish." She listed on her fingers, mimicking Deeks' earlier motions.

"Sam, Callen? What do you think? _Australia._ "

"Hot, humid, but beautiful." Sam recounted.

"You've been?" Kensi questioned.

Sam nodded. "SEALS did some training off the west coast. _Really_ nice beaches."

Deeks threw Kensi an 'I-told-you-so' look.

"Why? Planning a holiday?" Callen chimed in.

"Planning retirement." The detective replied.

"What would you do if you retired in Australia?" Sam asked cynically.

"Surf." He shrugged his shoulders in a 'well duh' gesture.

"Ah-huh, and what would Kensi do in Australia?" Callen challenged.

"Who says I'm putting up with him that long?" Kensi teased with a smile while Deeks feigned a shot to his heart.

"It's true G. She's probably going to kill him long before he reaches retirement age." Sam laughed.

"Nah, she likes me too much." He winked across the workspace at his girlfriend. "Besides, she wouldn't risk getting caught."

Kensi opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by her cell ringing from her bag. As she started to dig it out Callen replied for her.

"She wouldn't get caught. We'd help her hide the body."

With her ringing phone in hand Kensi added, "Who said there'd be a body?"

She tossed a faux-threatening glance at Deeks and brought the phone to her ear as she accepted the call.

 _"_ _Is this Kensi Blye?"_

"Speaking." Kensi began walking towards the courtyard as her teammates continued to debate the merits of moving to Australia.

 _"_ _Hello Miss Blye. My name is Molly Porter. I'm a nurse at Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but your mother, Julia Feldman, was brought in earlier today. She was involved in a car accident. Is it correct that you are her next of kin?"_

All the air left Kensi's lungs and she reached her hand back against the Mission's stone wall, needing the support to stay upright. Her mind spun. Her mother was in hospital. Her mother who she and Deeks had had dinner with not two weeks ago, her mother who she was just starting to reform a relationship with, was hurt and _oh god_ , was she dying?

 _"_ _Miss Blye? Are you still on the line?"_ The sound of Nurse Molly's voice in her ear interrupted her brain's tirade and forced air back into her body.

"Yes. Sorry. Yes, I'm her next of kin."

 _"_ _We're going to need you to come down to the hospital."_

"Yeah, yes. Of course. Is she… She's okay, right?" Her voice wavered.

 _"_ _I'm sorry. I can't discuss her condition over the phone. Her doctor will be here to speak with you when you arrive. He'll be able to answer any questions you have."_ Molly told her.

"Okay. I… I'll be there soon I guess. Thank you." Kensi disconnected the call, unsure why she was thanking the woman for the delivery of bad news.

She drew in a ragged breath and tried to push off the wall and walk back into the Mission but her feet were weighted to the ground. Her chest clenched and she bowed inward, sliding down the bricks and resting on her haunches. Breathing was more difficult than it should be; it felt like she was in an ever-tightening corset. Her shoulders were so tense they were practically touching her ears.

Mentally she counted to ten, focusing on getting air into her constricted chest, putting into practice the techniques she'd learned to deal with anxiety attacks after her return from Afghanistan. She waited it out, let the attack pass, before pulling herself back together and making her way back inside, her chest still unreasonably tight.

Sam, Callen, and Deeks had moved on to discussing retirement villages and their mutual hatred of Florida. Kensi moved back towards her desk and though Deeks was teasing Sam about his inability to fit on rides at Disney World, she could feel his eyes on her. She refused to return his gaze.

She typed out a text to Hetty, giving her as few details as she could about why she needed to leave early. She knew she should probably talk to the operations manager in person but Kensi also knew she wouldn't be able to speak the words out loud without ripping her paper thing composure to shreds.

She packed her bag quickly and slung it over her shoulder, futilely hoping she could make her escape from OSP unnoticed.

"Kens?" Deeks' concerned voice reached her ears as she moved around her desk to walk to the door. All eyes were on her now and she could feel their gazes burning holes into her resolve like lasers. She kept walking, knowing Deeks would most likely follow. He caught up with her just as she exited into the parking lot, his hand touching her shoulder as he called her name again.

"I… I gotta go." She forced the words from her mouth, brow furrowed from the effort it took. She made no move to turn and face him.

"Kensi, what's going on?" He brought his other hand up to her other shoulder but didn't try to turn her around.

"Something came up. I got to - ." She half-heartedly pointed in the direction of her car, teeth gritted, eyes closed to stop traitorous tears.

"Kens, talk to me. Tell me what's happening." He pleaded. She was breaking under his confused concern.

"I… My… I just have to go." It was all she could manage. She could feel a lump rising in her throat, lodging itself half way up.

His hands fell from her shoulders and she was equally disappointed and relieved. He wasn't letting up as she'd hoped however, and a moment later he'd moved in front of her, both his hands reaching out to clasp one of hers. He brought their joined hands to rest on his chest.

"Kensi, please." He ducked his head to see her face and his eyes begged with her. "Don't make me break out the puppy dog face. You know you can't resist it." He batted his eyes dramatically for added effect.

The joke had the desired effect and the corners of her mouth twitched up ever so slightly. She brought her eyes to meet his and the concern and love she found there gave her strength.

"My mom. Something happened. She's at the hospital. I… I have to go." It was as though saying the words reminded her of her mission. "I have to go." She repeated more certainly, breaking eye contact with Deeks and trying again to move towards her car, forgetting their connected hands.

"What hospital? I can drive." Deeks offered, keeping a tight grip on her to stop her from fleeing.

"No. You can't. Hetty can't have both of us out on so little notice. I'm good. I've got it. I'll call." The statement was entirely unconvincing.

He drew one hand up to her face, brushing the back of his fingers against her cheek. "What happened?"

"I don't know. A car accident I think?" She paused for a beat. "It didn't sound good." The breaking of her voice matched the cracks forming in Deeks' heart.

"Kens," He tried to pull her in for a hug but she rested her hand on his chest, forcing distance between them.

"I… I can't. I'm barely holding it together and if you put your arms around me I'm going to fall to pieces and I can't do that right now. I… I need to get to the hospital, I have to be with her."

Deeks nodded understandingly and took half a step back, giving her some breathing room but still refusing to relinquish her hand.

"What hospital? I'll meet you after work."

"Cedars-Sinai."

"Okay. I'll call, alright? Drive safe. Call me if you need anything." He finally released his hold on her.

She nodded and leaned back slightly before moving towards him again. She brought her hand to his jaw and tenderly kissed the opposite cheek, keeping her lips brushing against his scruff as she tearfully spoke.

"I love you."

With a final press of her lips she was gone, speed walking towards the SRX and driving away seconds later.

Deeks took a moment outside the mission. His heart hurt, both for they way his tough, unshakeable girlfriend was hurting and for the woman who treated him like a son. He let himself feel the pain and hurt before compartmentalising, recomposing himself. He knew he wouldn't be able to truly focus until he was actively doing something to help, even if that something was simply being an emotional support pillar for his partner to lean on. Still, he steeled himself and walked back inside, quickly making his way to his desk.

Callen and Sam's eyes assessed him with questions and concerns.

"What's up with your partner?" Callen broke the silence first when Deeks refused to look at either of them.

"Something came up with her mom. An emergency." He answered vaguely. He didn't know much beyond that and even if he did, it wasn't really his to tell.

"Everything okay?" Sam asked.

"When I find out I'll let you know."

Throughout the rest of the afternoon he sent her several messages but got no reply. At first he chalked it up to the fact she was in a hospital and many wards required phones to be turned off. As the hours passed though he began to get more and more concerned. By four that afternoon he'd called her several times and left countless text messages to no response. He was getting worried. Despite still having an hour left in his work day Deeks began to pack up his desk before slinging his bag across his chest and approaching Hetty. He hadn't gotten a word out before she spoke.

"Go. Be with your partner."

He didn't need telling twice.

He tried to call her from the car again on the way to the hospital but her phone rang out before dumping him to voice mail. Tossing his phone on the passenger seat, he pressed his foot down a little harder on the accelerator.

"Hi, I'm looking for Julia Feldman." He requested at the nurses station as soon as he arrived, not even noticing the man he was speaking to was on the phone. He apologised and turned to the other nurse behind the desk and repeated himself.

"Who are you?"

"Marty Deeks, I'm her… son-in-law." It was a half-truth at best and he knew it. The phrase made him smile briefly though as he recalled how, much to Kensi's disapproval, Julia had taken to referring to him as such three months into his relationship with her daughter.

"I'm sorry," The nurse started and Deeks was a hairsbreadth from pulling out his badge before she continued. "Ms. Feldman passed away a few hours ago."

A million emotions flooded Deeks at once. Sadness, guilt, heartache, confusion, concern.

"What about her daughter? Kensi Blye? She was here, yes?" He rushed to ask.

The nurse typed at the computer for a moment.

"It says here that a K. Blye signed the forms to terminate life support. I think she left shortly after."

Deeks' chest constricted.

"Do you know where she went?"

"Sorry. It says here she spoke to Ms. Feldman's doctor and made the decision to turn off the life support machines. 20 minutes later Ms. Feldman had passed and I believe her daughter left. That was before my shirt started though." The nurse recounted apologetically.

"Thanks." Deeks replied softly, turning away from the nurses station and gripping his phone too tightly. He was having trouble processing the emotions that seemed to be slamming into him one after the other. He could only imagine how Kensi was feeling. He still had no idea where she was. Striding out the hospital doors in a haze of grief and determination he returned to his car, sucked in as deep a breath as he could manage, and started the engine.

* * *

 **A/N: This will be a three part fic. Chapter two is already written and needs to be typed up and edited and chapter three is well over half way complete so updates shouldn't be too far apart.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Fifteen-year-old Kensi took the phone from her father, her whole being radiating the anger and betrayal she felt. The only reason she was even taking the phone was because her father had asked her to._

 _"Kensi?" The traitor's voice asked. She sounded hurt and concerned and for a moment Kensi almost apologised. The thought quickly left her though and she found a tighter hold on her own pain and bitterness._

 _"What?" Kensi all but spat out._

 _"I'm sorry Kensi. Just let me explain."_

 _"There's nothing to explain mother," She said the word like it was poison on her tongue. "I know exactly what happened. You decided you didn't want to be part of this family anymore but that's not a choice you get to make for me."_

 _"Kensi, please." Julia all but begged. "You're my little girl. I love you."_

 _"Funny way of showing it." The stubborn teen scoffed. "The moment you gave up on this family you gave up on the right to call me your daughter. I never want to speak to you again. Lose this number." Her voice was cold and steely and unmistakably steady. With a calmness she didn't feel she placed the receiver gently back into its cradle and went to find her dad in the kitchen._

 _"You okay Kensi?" Don asked as his daughter approached him. Kensi nodded._

 _"I'm pretty tired though. Long day. I think I'm just going to have a shower and go to bed." She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly._

 _"Okay."_

 _Kensi rose onto her toes and kissed his cheek._

 _"I love you Daddy."_

 _"I love you too Baby Girl. Goodnight." He released her._

 _"Night Dad."_

 _Kensi picked her duffle off the floor and brought it upstairs with her. It wasn't until she was in the shower, the hot water beating down on her skin, almost burning her, that she cried. She cried out of anger, out of loss, out of hurt and confusion and regret but mostly she cried out of love for a mother who didn't deserve her affections, but whom she couldn't stop loving no matter how hard she tried._

—

Kensi all but ran to the nurses' station when she arrived at the hospital. She had very little memory of the drive over and it was probably a miracle she hadn't wound up as a patient rather than a visitor.

"Excuse me. I'm Kensi Blye. I was told my mother was here." She spewed the words out before the nurse had a chance to greet her.

"What's your mother's name?" The nurse, her name tag read Sarah, asked.

"Feldman. Julia Feldman."

Kensi watched as Nurse Sarah's face dropped in sympathy. That, combined with the fact she hadn't needed to reference the computer, told Kensi more than she was currently prepared to know about the extent of her mother's condition.

"Let me take you to her." Sarah moved from behind the station to lead the way. "I need to warn you, she's in pretty bad shape. She's on a respirator and she's attached to a lot of monitors. There's a lot of cuts and bruises on her face and arms as well." The nurse paused at the door, hand poised to push down the handle. "Are you ready?"

Kensi nodded stiffly, words refusing to form on her tongue. She wasn't ready, not even a little bit, but she knew this wasn't something one could prepare for, you just had to let it hit you full force and hope you could still stand after the collision.

The nurse opened the door and Kensi let out a gasp. Even with the nurse's warning she hadn't expected her mother to look quite so fragile. Moving further into the room she stood next to the bed, wringing her hands, unsure what to do with them. She was afraid to touch Julia lest she hurt her more. Her head was wrapped in so many bandages she could hardly make out her face and the portions of her hands and arms that were visible were mottled with dark bruises.

"Her doctor will be in to see you soon." Sarah told Kensi before ducking out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Kensi nodded, only vaguely aware the nurse was no longer there to see her response. Her eyes never left her mom's face. She bit her lip to contain a whimper and tasted metallic blood as her teeth punctured skin.

"Mom?" The word was a fractured sob as her tears started to fall.

—

 _"Do you have any family?" Her plump case worker asked her._

 _"Yeah." Kensi shrugged. Her cold and uncaring exterior veiled how her heart had been ripped from her chest not twenty-four hours earlier._

 _"That's great. Let's give them a call. What's their relation to you?" Ted, the child services worker, asked patiently, endlessly understanding and seemingly unperturbed by the stubborn, sullen teen._

 _"My mother." Kensi replied bitterly. With her father's sudden death, the emotions caused by her mother's betrayal were again fresh in her heart and mind. "I don't have her phone number."_

 _"That's okay. We can find it. Would you like to talk to her or do you want me to do it for you?" Ted offered._

 _"I'll do it."_

 _"Great. I'll be right back with a number. Hang in there kiddo." Kensi wanted to roll her eyes and stand up and yell at the overweight man for being so cheery and blasé when her whole world was falling apart but instead she just nodded her head and watched him walk away._

 _He returned moments later, breaking the starting contest Kensi was having with the wall._

 _"Here you go. There's a phone just over there you can use. I'll give you some privacy."_

 _Kensi took the scrap of paper handed to her and pushed up from the chair with an unseen weight on her shoulders. She trudged across to the phone and dialled the number before she could give herself the opportunity to process her movements._

 _The call connected on the fourth ring._

 _"Hello?"_

 _Kensi couldn't breathe, couldn't think. All the pain from the past six months combined with the trauma of the past twenty-four hours hit her like a steam roller. Her chest constricted, her stomach revolted, and her whole body began to tremble. She was paralysed._

 _"Hello? Is anyone there?"_

 _She hung up the phone with haste, taking in ragged breaths that barely made it into her lungs. She tightened her hands into fists in a futile attempt to stop them shaking. A few minutes later her mask was back in place and she returned to Ted._

 _"How'd it go?" He asked, the cheeriness and optimism in his tone enraging Kensi. She didn't let it show._

 _"Good." She lied smoothly. "She'll be here to pick me up in two hours. Do you think we could pick up a bag of my things before she gets here?"_

 _"Absolutely."_

 _After an awkward drive which involved Ted trying to make polite conversation while Kensi stared expressionless out the passenger window, Ted waited in the living room as Kensi packed her bag upstairs. A week's worth of clothes, a sleeping bag, her passport. She snuck to the safe in her father's room and punched in the code. She packed the emergency cash she found there and carefully folded her dad's medals in amongst her clothing. Finally, she took the photo from his bedside, a picture of the two of them from a camping trip a few months back. She kissed it and stowed it in her bag amongst everything else. Padding back to her own room, she silently pushed the screen out of the window and climbed out._

 _That first night on the street it occurred to her that she'd made the wrong choice. She was cold, she was alone, and the pain she felt was soul-crushing. In that moment, as she lay on the park bench, tears flowing in an unstoppable stream, she realised that she didn't want space, or time, or to go it alone so no one could ever hurt her again. What she really wanted, what she really needed, was her mom._

—

A knock sounded on the door and a doctor in her mid forties walked into the hospital room.

"Hi. I'm Doctor Daly. You must be Ms. Feldman's daughter."

"Kensi." She sniffed and shook the doctor's hand. "How… how is she?"

"I'm sorry to say it's not looking good. Your mother's car was struck by an SUV this morning and flipped down an embankment. The top was down. Her seat belt held her in but she suffered extensive head wounds. She also sustained a few broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and a complex fracture in her right arm. She coded in the ambulance on the way here and two more times on the operating table." The doctor paused to let her absorb the grave news.

In a last ditch effort to hold herself together Kensi squared her shoulders and switched to agent mode, doing her best to take in the doctor's words while closing herself off from the emotions threatening to take her over.

"When will she wake up?"

"That's the tricky part. Her head wounds were quite severe and, in my professional opinion, I'm sorry to say it is unlikely she will wake up from the coma she's currently in. And even if she does, there's no telling the extent of the brain damage she'll have."

Despite her best efforts to concentrate, Doctor Daly's words swirled around her head in a tangled mess. Even when she managed to grasp hold of one it wriggled away before she had time to string it together with the rest of its sentence.

"There's a chance though, right?" She was pleading with the doctor, with God, with the universe.

"Frankly? Her brain stopped showing activity when she came out of surgery." Her tone was apologetic.

"So the only thing keeping her alive right now…" She trailed off.

"Is the machines, yes." She finished.

"And they could keep her alive…"

"Indefinitely. I've seen patients survive months, even years. Some wake up, most don't. I don't want to sound callous but the odds of your mother recovering from this are less than 1 percent."

Kensi nodded. Tears burned behind her eyes and began to slowly leak out. She swiped at them, chastising herself for her crumbling Agent Blye facade as the cracks in her armour began to show.

"What do we do?" She feared she already knew the crux of the answer.

"In cases like this, life support is used until family arrives, to give loved ones the chance to say goodbye. It's not meant to sustain her until she wakes up as it's very unlikely that she will. Of course, it is completely up to you if and when you want to turn off the machines."

"I see." Kensi swiped more desperately at her eyes as the tears fell quicker.

"I'll give you some time, there isn't a rush."

"No. I… I just need to say goodbye." She all but whispered.

Doctor Daly laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "Is there anyone we can call for you?"

Kensi thought of Deeks. She touched her fingertips to the phone in her back pocket but shook her head at the doctor.

"Okay. Take all the time you need. A nurse will be outside when you're ready."

—

 _She sat on her couch, feet resting on the coffee table, having an aggressive staring contest with the scrap of paper in her hand. It was so unassuming, so innocent-looking, but that small scrap of paper with ten numbers scrawled in her messy handwriting brought back thoughts and emotions she thought were behind her._

 _Honestly, she didn't know what she had expected to come of using her position at NCIS to look up her estranged mother. The first thing she'd noticed when she pulled up the DMV photo of Julia Feldman was how old she look. No doubt she'd aged gracefully and she was most definitely beautiful, stunning really, but the passage of the last ten years had undeniably left their mark._

 _As she'd stared at the photo Kensi found herself hoping that the creases by her mother's eyes were laugh lines and not the result of the pain and sorrow of losing a daughter._

 _A case had come in then, pulling her from the screen and her gut-wrenching guilt. She'd hastily scribbled down the phone number and shoved it in her pocked where it had haunted her for the rest of the day._

 _She ran her fingers over the numbers, tracing each one. She had them memorised now, she no longer needed the paper they were etched on. She wouldn't be forgetting the string of digits any time soon. She glanced at the time, it was nearing on three in the morning in D.C. which meant it was midnight in Los Angeles. Even if she could will her fingers to dial it was much too late to call._

 _She hid the number in her wallet, behind the business cards of handsome men she wasn't going to call, and went to bed._

 _A few years later, during her first months back in Los Angeles working in OSP Kensi swore she saw her mother in the grocery store. Startled, stubborn, and scared she'd booked it out of there and drove home where it was safe. Some days, when she was feeling particularly brave, she would return to that store. She'd spend two hours walking up and down the aisles only to buy a loaf of bread and a case of beer. She never saw her mother there again._

—

Kensi sucked her bottom lip into her mouth but it wasn't enough. The sob that had been attempting to burst free since she first got that phone call that morning finally escaped and then there was no turning back.

She reached forward and wrapped a single finger around her mother's thumb, one of the few places on her body that was both visible and unmarred by bruises and abrasions. It took close to five minutes for the sobs to subside but the tears continued to fall steadily as she spoke.

"Mom, I'm… I don't even know what to say. We were just… We were just getting back to… I'm sorry. I was so stubborn and stupid and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to push past my hurt and bitterness sooner. I'm just… sorry. I love you Mom. Even in all those years, I never stopped loving you. God knows it would've hurt less if I had. I have so many regrets when it comes to our relationship but I always loved you." Leaning forward she gently pressed her lips against the bandages on Julia's forehead. "Say hi to Dad for me Mom."

Before she could fall into another fit of sobs she rushed out of the room.

"I ah, she's… we're ready." How did you tell someone you were done saying goodbye? Could you ever be done? Kensi didn't think she'd ever feel ready to have her only remaining parent slip away but she knew that putting it off would only cause her more pain.

"I just need you to sign these forms. Would you like to stay?" Nurse Sarah handed her a clip board. Kensi signed quickly in the indicated spots.

"No… I… I'm going to go." She replied to the question. The sterilised hospital was beginning to feel like a cage. She had to escape.

"Of course. Arrangements to make."

The thought of planning a funeral for her mother had yet to cross her mind. It only made her need to run away greater. She nodded silently to the nurse and all but shoved the clipboard back onto the station ledge. She left the hospital with a similar urgency to that with which she'd arrived. She climbed in her car and started to drive.


	3. Chapter 3

Deeks mentally ran through a list of places he knew to which Kensi might have fled: her apartment, his apartment, Pendleton, any of the hundred or so beaches along the California cost. There were too many possibilities and not enough daylight left to narrow them down. So, sitting in the Mission parking lot, engine running, he called Eric.

"Hey Deeks, I thought you left already." The tech answered.

"I have. I need you to do me a favour."

"Sure, what's up." Deeks could picture the tech poising his fingers over the keyboard.

"I need you to get me a location on Kensi's phone."

"Uh, sure. Is Kensi okay?" The click-clack of the keyboard could be heard in the background.

"She's fine. She's just not answering her phone and I'm not sure where she is."

"Should I tell Hetty? Is she missing? Do you need back up?"

"No!" Deeks replied hastily. "No. It's fine. She's fine." He hoped. "Just give me her location. Please." He added as an after thought.

"Uh, sure. Well her phone is on. Do you want me to send you the location?"

"That'd be great. Thanks Eric."

"Deeks?" He called before the detective could end the call.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure everything's alright?"

"I'll let you know tomorrow." He sighed, disconnecting the call and checking the text message he'd just received.

* * *

He was hit with deja vu as he pulled up in front of the house and made his way up the path to the white wooden time, instead of feeling awkward and nervous he just felt sad and concerned. He rang the doorbell and waited. The SRX was in the driveway and he'd seen her phone abandoned on the passenger seat when he'd peered into the window as he walked past. It had been three hours since she left the hospital. Technically she could've taken a cab and could be anywhere by now but Deeks hoped that, given their relationship, she wouldn't completely take off without at least texting him.

He pushed the bell again and when he heard no movement inside he crouched in front of the lock, pulling out his lock-picking kit from his back pocket.

"Kensi?" His voice echoed through the house and almost convinced him it was empty until he saw her shoes by the door. "Kens?" He called louder this time, making his way up the stairs.

He peered in the each door along the hall way until he found her. Curled into a ball around a pillow, Kensi was asleep in the middle of her mother's king bed. His heart broke in two, both for the parental figure he'd just lost and for the strong and capable woman who looked so vulnerable and child-like as she slept.

He sat at her hip and gently reached his hand up to her hair, running his fingers through her dark tendrils.

"Kens, babe?" He whispered softly. Kensi turned her face out of the pillow towards him, her closed eyes were red and puffy and the absence of the eyeliner she put on that morning testified to the amount of tears she'd already cried today.

"Deeks?" She blinked her eyes open, disorientated. "What…"

He could see the moment it all came rushing back to her and it made his stomach knot in grief. She scrunched her eyes shut and curled further in on herself even as her hand reached out and scrunched the front of his shirt into a tight fist.

"I'm so sorry Kensi. I'm so, so sorry." He soothed, rubbing her back as she tried to pull herself together. He felt the hand twisted in her shirt tug at him, willing him closer. Swinging his legs up onto the bed, he leaned against the headboard as Kensi practically crawled into his lap, burying her head into his chest like a scared child while he wrapped his arms tightly around her.

Deeks waited her out, allowing her to wage the war with her emotions until he felt her take a few deep but shaky breaths.

"Why didn't you call me?" He murmured the question into her hair and felt her shrug against him in response. "You didn't have to do this alone."

She shrugged again, this time raising her head from his chest. She leaned her forehead against his temple and spoke just above a whisper.

"I know. But I kind of did."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She relaxed further into him and didn't reply. Deeks continued to run his hands over her back and side, trying to sooth her with his touch. After a few minutes of silence he felt her pull away and stand up. She stretched out a hand to him and tugged him from the bed. Kensi led him down the stairs to the living room.

He recalled being here not three weeks ago, sipping a beer while resting a hand on Kensi's knee as she and Julia reminisced about moments from her childhood. Today though, Kensi sat in the corner of the couch while Deeks sat in the middle, close but not quite touching, giving her some space, and the arm chair across from them was empty.

"An SUV hit her car this morning." Her gaze was focused on an indeterminate point on the wall and her voice was detached. "Her convertible flipped and rolled a few times and she got pretty banged up. She hit her head and broke some bones…" Kensi paused and stood, beginning to pace in the small space between the couch and the coffee table as she recounted.

"She flatlined in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and the doctors… the doctors did all they could but after she got out of surgery she was brain dead." Her voice wavered as the emotions started to penetrate her previously cold exterior. "I had to sign to have them turn off the life support." She all but whispered.

Deeks moved to stand, to offer her comfort, but she put her hand up to stop him. If he touched her, if she stopped moving, if she thought too hard about it, the words coming out of her mouth would stop being cold facts. They'd tear her apart again.

Venturing over to a cabinet she pulled out a framed photo. She started at it a moment and then handed the frame to Deeks. The picture was of Kensi, about eleven years old, decked out in snow gear, holding a pair of red skis beside her, smiling widely for the camera.

"Did we ever tell you about our ski trip to Canada?"

"I don't think you did." He was running his thumb over the face of the care-free little girl who had yet to feel the pain of loss.

Kensi sat next to him again, close enough that their shoulders brushed.

"This photo was taken a few minutes before I slipped on some ice and broke my nose." Kensi laughed at the memory and Deeks grinned with her.

"I knew that wasn't your real nose." He ribbed with a mischievous grin. The teasing had the desired effect and a smile over took her face as she playfully nudged him with her shoulder, effectively leaning into him.

"Hey. Not nice."

"Sorry." He didn't look it though.

"Do you want to hear the story or not?"

"I do. Please, continue." He looped his arm through hers, pulling her further into his side.

"We went to the on-site doctor and they got me fixed up but my eyes started to bruise and it really hurt. I still wanted to go skiing."

"Of course you did." Deeks mumbled under his breath, squeezing her shoulders.

"Shhh. Anyway, I still wanted to go skiing but I couldn't get the eye mask on and the force of the cold air hitting my face gave me a migraine. So we still had this cabin for two more nights and Mom decides we're going to make the most of this trip. She pulls every blanket off every bed and we start building this huge fort in the middle of the living room while Dad's out getting dinner. He gets back and I swear all he can see is a sea of blankets. He can't even walk around them to get to the kitchen so he crawls in and I just remember falling asleep between the two of them really late after a movie marathon. Dad left for an 5 month deployment a few weeks later." She rested her head heavily on his shoulder, her voice turning solemn. "I just got her back Deeks."

"I know Kens, I know."

"I feel like I'm fifteen again. Like the rug's been pulled from under my feet. This is how it started. I lost my mom then I lost my dad and then a few years later I lost Jack." She gripped his shirt in her hands, holding tightly to him, lest he slip away as a few stray tears made tracks on her cheeks. "It hurts. God. I'm supposed to protect the people I love, not kill them."

Deeks sat upright at that, pulling her with him so she was facing him. He crooked his forefinger under her chin to pull her eyes to his.

"Hey, no. That's not what happened here. Some idiot wasn't watching the road. None of this is even remotely your fault Kensi."

"But it was. I was the one who turned off the life support. I was the one who made that choice. What if I made the wrong choice? What if she could've recovered Deeks? God, I didn't even give her a chance, I just told them to turn it off and left her there."

"Kensi no. Her chances of waking up, of making a full recovery, they were slim to none Kens. You did the right thing."

"You can't know that."

Deeks sighed. He knew there was little he could say to argue with her point.

"You need to stop blaming yourself, Kens. The world doesn't rest solely on your shoulders.

Kensi examined his face but nodded, looking thoroughly unconvinced.

"Trust me."

"I do." She sighed. She took his hand and twined their fingers together. It gave her a focus point as she gathered the nerve to ask her next question.

"Will you help me plan the service?"

"Of course. Absolutely. Whatever you need. Say the word and it's done." He squeezed her hand. "Partners."

"More than partners."

"So much more than partners." He agreed, dropping her hand to wrap his arm around her and pull her back into him. "What do you need from me right now Kens?"

"Take me home Marty." She requested. They stood together and Deeks stopped her from moving away with a gentle hand on her hip. He bent down and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.

"We'll swing by my apartment and fed Monty and then we can head back to yours."

Kensi shook her head, trying to communicate phrases she couldn't find with her eyes.

"Take me _home_." She reiterated, palms coming to rest against his chest.

Something loosened in his shoulders and there was a sparkle in his eye.

"Sure thing Princess." He leaned forward for another sweet kiss before taking her hand and leading her out of her mother's house.

* * *

The funeral service was small, intimate. Her team came to lend their support and other than the small group from the Office of Special Projects there were only a few of her mother's close friends. She decided not to write a eulogy, the only things that could have been said in it too personal, too guilt ridden for her to voice out loud to a group of strangers.

Deeks was by her side the entire time, his hand in hers or his arm around her shoulder or his fingers grazing along the small of her back, constant contact. When the minister had finished saying his part and the rest of the guests began to depart the cemetery her team took turns hugging her. Words of condolence were whispered in her ear as Sam wrapped his arms tightly around her. Callen offered to help in whatever way he could. Hetty gave her and Deeks the next two days off. Nell simply squeezed her tight and Eric hugged her awkwardly.

"Do you want some space? I can go wait in the car?" Deeks offered as the rest of their friends departed.

Kensi grabbed his hand and clung to him like a life line, shaking her head adamantly.

"No. Don't." Her voice was small and broken, the same as it had been for the better part of the last week.

"Okay, hey. I'm not going anywhere." He assured her, pulling her into his chest and stroking her hair with his hand. "I've got you."

"Take me somewhere Marty." She whispered, tilting her head up so she spoke the words against his jaw.

"Where?"

"Anywhere."

Deeks placed a long kiss to her hairline before pulling back from the embrace and leading her by the hand to the car.

He drove them along the coast turning around and heading home only after she fell asleep in the passenger seat.

* * *

It took them close to a month of going to Julia's house almost every night after work to pack everything away. There was a sizeable amount of possessions going to the thrift store and an even bigger pile of things Kensi couldn't bring herself to part with that went into a storage unit. There were six boxes that weren't put in storage that Kensi had decided to bring back to Deeks', not that there was much room for more of her things in his small apartment.

She was unpacking a box in the bedroom when she found it. At the bottom of the jewellery box that held so many pieces she knew were gifts from her dad to her mother, an envelope with the words _For Marty_ in her mother's elegant script. She held it in her hand, running her finger across the ink and feeling what she knew to be a ring inside. The ring she had yet to find in the rest of her mother's possessions. The ring her father had proposed to her mom with almost 4 decades ago. Her heart skipped a beat or two in her chest.

"Deeks?" She called out into the apartment to no response. "Marty?" She called again, louder this time. She heard shuffling then his heavy footfalls as he made his way from the living room to the bedroom.

"Hey, everything okay?" He asked as he reached the doorway.

She nodded and felt tears sting the back of her eyes but she refused to cry again. Instead she held the envelope out to her boyfriend.

"What's this?" He asked, taking it from her and examining it himself.

"It's for you. I found it with Mom's things." She shrugged.

"What do you mean it's for me?"

"It has your name on it." She replied simply.

"Okay." He turned the envelope over and began to pull the flap open.

"Wait, no. Not here. Don't open it here." Her eyes went wide.

"Why not?"

"Go for a walk. Take Monty to the beach. Just… not here."

He looked at her with curiosity and concern.

"Do you know what's in here?"

Kensi shrugged. "I have an idea…"

Deeks assessed her for a moment, taking in her pleading eyes before nodding.

He took two steps forward so he was standing between her legs which were hanging off the side of the bed.

"Okay. Monty and I are going for a walk then." He raised his hand to press it to her cheek. "Are you okay?"

Kensi nodded, mustering up a smile and placing her own hand over his and squeezing. Deeks leaned down and placed a kiss to her forehead.

"We'll be back soon."

* * *

He tugged an unwilling Monty along the waterfront before giving up and falling to the sand, his lazy dog curling up beside him. He pulled out the envelope and before he could torture himself about what was obviously some kind of a ring inside, he tore it open, tipping it upside down so that a note and a diamond engagement ring fell into his palm.

 _For when she's ready_.

That was all the note said.

He flashed to a conversation he'd had with Julia a few weeks beforehand.

 _"So, you and Kensi have been partners for a while now." Julia started as soon as Kensi left the room to visit the restroom._

 _Deeks nodded. "Just over five years."_

 _"And you've been dating for how long now?" She asked, a slightly conspiratory look on her face._

 _"About a year." He replied._

 _"So when are you going to make an honest woman out of my daughter?" There was a twinkle in her eye._

 _"As soon as she'll let me." Deeks huffed a laugh, only half joking._

 _Julia smiled at him and opened her mouth to say something else just as they heard Kensi's footfalls approaching again._

 _"She'll be ready eventually."_

 _"I'll be ready for what?" Kensi asked as she re-entered the room._

 _"Dessert." Deeks interjected before Julia could reply._

 _"I'm always ready for dessert. You should know that by now." She grinned as she sat back down next to him, patting his thigh with her palm._

He fingered the ring, slipping it over his thumb to examine the white gold band and the medium sized diamond. Sucking in a deep breath he closed his eyes before exhaling again.

"Come on Monty, let's go home." He stood, slipped the ring into his wallet for safe keeping and lead the dog back to the car.

* * *

Kensi heard his return almost an hour after he'd left with the envelope. He padded down the hall and joined her in the bedroom where she had just finished putting away the last of the knick knacks from the box.

"You open it?" She asked, leaning back on her palms on the bed.

"Yup." He popped the 'p' as he came to join her.

"And?"

"And, it was probably what you thought." He told her honestly.

She felt her heart skip a beat and she turned to face him.

"So…"

"So."

"Was there a note?" Kensi asked.

"There was."

"And it said…" She tried to coax. Deeks grinned at her, refusing to give anything away.

"Your mom and I, we're on the same page." He replied vaguely.

"What does that even mean?" Kensi sat forward and turned to face him. She was starting to get frustrated.

"Do you trust me?"

"Deeks…"

"Do you trust me?" He repeated.

"Of course."

"Then trust that one day I'll tell you what was in the note."

Kensi considered him for a moment, cocking her head to the side, assessing. Finally she nodded, shuffling over on the bed so she could rest her head on his shoulder. His arm came around her waist automatically.

"Don't make me wait too long." She whispered after a few moments silence, her words barely there.

The hand not around her waist came up and brushed back her hair from her forehead.

"I won't. I'm not going anywhere Princess. I'm staying right here with you as long as you'll have me." He pressed the words into her skin with gentle kisses.

"Good."

* * *

 **A/N: It's a little bit choppy and the ending isn't quite perfect but it is what it is. Thanks for your patience in waiting for an update. For those of you not on Tumblr, shortly after I started this fic, while I was still overseas, my dad got diagnosed with cancer and some of the stuff in here hit too close to home for me to write about. He's doing well and has his last does of Chemo at the end of the month for anyone interested/concerned.**

 **I hope you enjoyed the ending and it was at least partly worth the wait.**


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